In Search of America

I’ve had a rough year which has culminated in a diagnosis (as of Wednesday) that I have a stomach ulcer.

I’m finally changing jobs after nearly seven years at the same firm. (Not because of that stupid ulcer, but the stress of being a manager – which is an indirect cause of that damn ulcer. Ugh!) Anyway, I’m sad to be leaving.

I came to them as a self-professed “team leader” that didn’t know how to lead, just scared shitless of fucking everything up beyond belief, and ready to piss my pants if someone yelled at me (namely my boss). I was scared, more than anything, of failing to fulfill everyone’s expectations. And to be honest, I never pissed my pants, but I did manage to fuck shit up and not fulfill expectations. I learned how unfair life could really be, how clients could fuck you over and not give a shit, how shitty it is to have someone tell you the work you’re producing is “just not good enough”. No other job had caused me to feel so worthless, so spineless. As a green twenty-one year old the first six months was pretty painful. But that job caused me to grow a backbone. I learned how to say “no” without actually uttering that word. I learned that honesty about mistakes and miscalculations nearly always get you a second chance and understanding, but white lies give you zero credibility and zero chances. I learned that some clients are control freaks, and some are reasonable and pleasant. I learned how to read people. I have no problem saying that the people I worked with were unimaginably amazing.

People have been shocked, and at times, weirded out that I spent an exorbitant amount of my personal funds for their Christmas gifts (Disneyland/CA Adventure tickets, etc.) I’m shocked at their reactions because how could I not reward and thank people who have worked on so many projects/ideas all the way to their fruition? 

Good workers, good people. They deserved every fucking bonus, every gift.

I am so blessed to have stayed and worked with a team of individuals who aspired for something more than just quality workmanship (which is a great aspiration in, and of itself). It was a small office; only five altogether. Their word became their bond, we sought to define our ambition as a team and not by self-centered desires, and we all believed that malicious cunning never served in any capacity for winning success. When the financial crisis was taking over we decided that firing two people would be unethical. Instead, we collectively decided to all take pay cuts in order to keep payroll possible for five instead of three. It sounds so fucking corny to say this, but they restored my faith in humanity many times if only because of the level of loyalty they could display. I’ve held other jobs and never saw that sort of commitment.

I’m lucky and thankful to have been a part of that special team.